About Aikido of Champlain Valley
Going with the Grainby Laura-Rose RussellThrough the glass windows I am surprised to see Sensei leading a warm-up for class. I feel a slight sinking sensation as I see that already the evening is not going how I would like it to. I open the door as quietly as I can and slip inside. I avoid looking at Sensei as I remove my shoes and bowing to the kamiza, I scurry across the back of the mats towards the dressing rooms. As I change into my gi, I evaluate the situation. My attendance has dropped off significantly over the course of the summer for several reasons, and though I technically have enough practice days to be eligible for testing tonight, Sensei was skeptical of my commitment and reluctant to let me test. Today is his first day back from a week of seminars. I have been training hard, and Ed has given me permission to test, but I have yet to prove myself to Sensei. I thought we were going to have open practice before the tests, so I arrived an hour early, but instead I am fifteen minutes late for Sensei's class, which does not make me look committed. I wait at the edge of the mat, and Sensei gives me permission to join class. I warm-up quickly and begin to practice with my classmates. Sensei claps his hands and begins to demonstrate the next technique. It is an exercise we do not practice very often, and involves twisting uke into a headlock in which she is arched over backwards to the point that nage's arms around her neck are the only things keeping her from falling to the ground. My heart sinks again, this technique is very difficult for me emotionally. It terrifies me on a level that is difficult to explain. My mind scrambles for options; I could sit out and maintain my equilibrium to get me through the tests. I do not care if my classmates disapprove. They may think I sit out whenever I don't want to do something, but I am not studying aikido to impress them. Normally I wouldn't consider disobeying my instincts for Sensei either, but tonight I want to test, I want to show Sensei my level of commitment, and sitting out now may affect that in some way. I do not actively seek a partner, and decide that my choice to sit out or not will be made by whether I trust the person I end up being paired with. I find myself bowing to a man whom I trust very much; he knows his own strength and can read his uke's abilities very accurately. My voice is diminished by the emotions rising within me, and I quietly ask him to do the technique slowly so that I can get used to the ukemi. He is my sempei (senior student), so I attack him first, focusing on my breathing to calm myself As he wraps my head in his arms, my throat clenches and mentally I resist the urge to lash out and free myself. My body is rigid. Although I know that staying relaxed will be safer, my body tries instinctively to protect itself. Nage releases me with a gentle push, and I fall to the ground free and unharmed. I get up and enter the fear again as I attack, fee |