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Aikido and the Family by Benjamin Pincus Sensei Chief Instructor, Aikido of Champlain Valley "Then she said, 'And you are doing what for an entire week?'" "Oh yeah? I didn't even bother to tell my wife." — Conversation overheard between two men at Aikido Summer Camp 2001 "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." — Leo Tolstoy Layman Pang was sitting in his grass-thatched hut. All of a sudden he said, "Difficult, difficult. It's like trying to cover a tree with ten cups of sesame oil." His wife heard him and said, "Easy, easy. It's like a hundred grass tips on top of the ancestor's mind." His daughter said, "Not difficult, not easy. It's like eating rice when hungry, sleeping when tired." — Translated from the Chinese by Kazuaki Tanahashi and Tensho David Schneider This issue of Shoshin is about aikido and the family. It is also a celebration of our beautiful new dojo. At first I thought it would be difficult to unite the two themes, but I realize that there is an integral connection between my students and their families who make it possible for us to have this place. So I would sincerely like to thank all of the volunteer workers who created this dojo. A handful of students did the majority of the finish work, spending long days and nights making an old warehouse into sacred space. These are the people who understand that the connection between service to the dojo and their own practice are inextricably linked. This is a traditional understanding of budo, and I am proud that we have come this far. And I also extend my gratitude to the families that generously allowed my students to train this way, returning home covered in drywall dust and paint. This must look strange to a number of spouses/significant others. I imagine bits and pieces of a homecoming conversation. "And you pay how much for the honor to install drywall?" It's all a matter of perspective; I suppose one person's do (literally, way or spiritual path) seems like an obscure cult to a frustrated partner. Over the years, a number of students have spoken privately to me about the challenges of balancing their personal life with aikido practice. Generally the men (the women who train seem to find greater support at home) speak with frustration and sympathy about their partners' feelings. Often they conclude with a simple appeal for help. "What should I do?" I always tell them that the family should come first, because it provides the support, the context for one's life, and that is why we train — to augment our daily practice and life rather than wholly replace it (unless of course aikido is all you want to do!). I think it is important to remember that we are not unique in our problems and petty grievances. Tolstoy was wrong — we all suffer in similar ways despite our solipsistic beliefs to the contrary (I suppose statis and peace makes for dull literature and spiritless budo — at least Tolstoy got it right that conflict provides tension and therefore some excitement). And the truth is generally that our aikido families are not necessarily happy or unhappy, but simply moody and intractable. It's good to be reminded that we are not alone — that others feel like their partners place unrealistic expectations on them regarding limiting practice. Nevertheless, we need to look at things from the perspective of the non-practising spouse/partner. The real question then becomes how to communicate in a way in which both people feel supported. It is a drag to come home after a hard day and discover your wife/husband/lover is frolicking on the mat. Witness the summer camp conversation mentioned above. So we are all in this together, somehow. Talking about families leads into my hopes for joint childcare (see page 5). We now have enough room in the dojo for parents to take care of children in exchange for an additional night of practice. I like having children in the dojo, and the fact that families are become more of an integral part of our training. Many new aikido babies are being born, four dads practice aikido with their children (where are the moms?) and the childrenÕs class is full of energy and vitality. I think the contrast between martial focus and the levity of children is important. I remember the focus and intensity of our misogi practice and Buddhist dedication ceremony almost 5 years ago with the Zen monk Issho-san. While we chanted the Heart Sutra and then sweated through intensive misogi training, Issho-san's children play in the background. Once again, I wish to thank all of you for making this dojo possible. We still have a lot of work to do. Perhaps the biggest challenge involves paying off our loan for the renovations. We need to increase our membership while maintaining the intensity and focus of practice. I am committed to keeping a "small dojo" feel, for I believe that true budo is based on the teacher-student relationship rather than large, impersonal classes. This belief in a personal approach and the transformative potential of traditional aikido makes us a unique family of martial artists. I hope we can apply aikido principles of conflict resolution and harmony in daily life, providing a unique community in a tormented and torn world. It seems prescient to quote the assassinated Egyptian President Anwar al-Sadat: "There can be hope only for a society which acts as one big family, and not as many separate ones." This is also the message of aikido — that we are one large family, regardless of our religion, colour or beliefs. An understanding of the source of terror and conflict must begin with ourselves, and how we interact with our loved ones and the woman who just stole your parking place and the drunk guy in the bar who spills beer on you and then laughs at your expression. So let's continue to train, searching for this harmony for our families and ourselves. I am hopeful that we can become a model for the rest of the world. See you on the mat. Sincerely, Benjamin Pincus Chief Instructor Aikido of Champlain Valley